I've decided that I'm in a constant battle with myself. I'm a bit of an enigma, even to myself.I'm not trying to make myself sound mysterious or anything, but I really feel like I'm trying to figure myself out right now. It's probably because of that retreat I went to a couple weeks ago.
One side of me wants to be outgoing. This side of me is very much a part of me and pokes it's head out every once in a while when I'm feeling confident or being witty. It is the side that wants to be noticed and challenged. It is the side of me that wants to have friends over all the time and to have a house filled with side splitting laughter and good times. It is the side of me that wants to break free a bit from the more quiet and reserved side of me; the side that wants to go to bars or raves and dance up a storm.
The other side very much retreats to the safety zones. This side really cares what people think and only wants them to think nice things. This side has a tough time of picking up the phone to call friends and invite them over for dinner (and at times begs Thom to do the calling). This side spends WAY too much time at home. This side bothers me a bit.
The thing is, it is the second side that does most of the ruling over me. It is generally only friends who see the first side of me. These friends would possibly call me an extrovert.
Today I was at a meeting with a new colleague and following the meeting he said that he was surprised with how I was at the meeting. We had a conversation last week about we were both introverts. He thought that I was far more outgoing than he expected.
You see, I feel a bit odd. While I score very high in the introvert scale, I can be quite vocal and outgoing, and sometimes downright witty and funny. I find it hard to approach people when I don't know them, yet I chat up people at the grocery store. I really care about not looking like an ass in front of people and at the same time I'll do some pretty embarrassing things to get a laugh. I'm generally pretty quiet and think out what I'm going to say in advance and yet at times my mind propels me to speak before I've completely thought something through. And finally, part of me completely wishes I could be more like E and just do something risky and take off somewhere while the other side of me thinks "Jesus, how stupid are you?".
I need to give this a bit of thought and figure out what the hell I need. It's like I want the rewards of being more outgoing, but I don't want to do the work... I think this is going to be a long discovery.
Does anyone else ever feel conflicted like this? Anyone have any advice?
4 comments:
I would say, you pretty much summed ME up right there... I would think this is a pretty normal "internal battle"... unless, we two are the odd ones out *haha*
I don't see that as a conflict: I see that as normal, as san said. You are so normal, you are boring, just like me :-)
I feel you on this one, very much so. But I think it may be more a problem with the categories you are using, rather than with you. Who says we are supposed to be shy all the time, or bold all the time? I know for me, I love being social but it takes a lot of energy, and I need time to recharge on my own (or just with my sweetie) after.
But advice? You know you have these two separate sets of needs, and I think the most important thing is to respect them. If your dominant shy self keeps you from making social plans that you would enjoy, then maybe find a schedule that you can 'make' yourself keep: "I go out Friday nights even if I'm feeling tired and shy" or whatever. Maybe get your friends to come over once a week, so that you can't get into a hole where you don't see them.
But for the record: I'm fairly certain you're not broken. Just interesting.
I don't think that's a spectrum whose ends you'd want to inhabit. Somewhere in the middle is fine.
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